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A retired small town newspaper guy once told me about the first time the publisher went on vacation and left him in charge (this would have been in the 80s). The publisher told him “Don’t call me unless the building burns down, and even then, don’t call me until the fire is out.” Good example of management setting vacation expectations.

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Huh. This is a rare column from you that I disagree with almost entirely. I guess to start with what I think you get right, there's no need to apologize for being out of office, and no one should feel obligated to deal with anything other than a legitimate emergency (which are, in most fields, truly rare) while on vacation or while taking time off.

But I'm someone who has co-workers in almost every time zone, on almost every continent, and in almost every geographic region, and I simply can't imagine using most of these examples with co-workers in, say, South Korea or Japan or Nicaragua. Like, the account manager who reaches out to me for help accessing a particular system in Seoul doesn't need my personal story about why I'm taking time off and all the fun (or, for that matter, not fun) things that I'll be doing — they need help gaining access to [system] in order to complete the job tasks that have been assigned to them. If I am not available to help them, they need to know who can, and if there just *isn't* anyone else who can perform this task, they need to know when I will be able to.

Further, given how poorly humor — especially sarcastic or snarky, even if mild — translates in text, you're running a moderate risk of pissing someone off through no fault of their own, for no reason other than to indulge yourself.

Maybe I'm over-reading your advice or observations here, but, like, being straightforward and honest without being deliberately blunt or getting in your bon mots is basically the expectation at most of the companies I've worked at. Professional politeness is fine, and good, actually, as long as it's not a cover for other, less praiseworthy behaviors, and what constitutes "important" is going to vary wildly, depending on whose boss is the one assigning the tasks — my boss may not care that an employee's access to a system gets delayed by a week or two, but the employee whose sales are dependent on having access to that system certainly does, for entirely understandable reasons.

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Honesty? That’s a tall order.... but also a challenge. I dread posting this but I dread not posting it too, so here goes amateur hour:

Hello fellow stooge of the impending climate apocalypse, I am out of this office forever. Seriously, fuck this noise. Fuck this daily stress load of cognitive dissonance. It’s exhausting, and on a good day I’m only up to my neck in feelings of dread, complicity and guilt. By this time next year I’ll either have caught an updraft toward a better way of living, or else gravity will win and I’ll be lying peacefully in a bespoke ditch, doing my bit for the natural cycle of life.

Our company pledges to do well by doing good. Sounds nice, but what happens when those goals conflict? That’s right, it’s not even close. It’s not even a debate. We will do well, while we put the doing good message on repeat/ shuffle/ autoplay.

We preach environmental stewardship: But we also need the tarsands to ramp up and new pipelines to get built so we can put more environmental technologists to work and grow the business.

We preach corporate citizenship: But we also tell our sales force to embed themselves in government works departments, so we can influence and optimize community decision-making.

We preach safety and ethics: But we also design the world for Big Tech to shape and own your children’s life experiences, forever, in whatever form of oligarchy arises from democracy’s failure to curb our ambitions.

Remember the movie Interstellar? Well surprise twist, there’s no wormhole. There’s only 500 years of dustbowl and creeping dread.

Thanks again for your email about the important work we do. Remember your mindfulness training - it’s not complicity if you compartmentalize your thinking and everyone else is doing it too.

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I was going on vacation a few days after your evening thread on this, and it inspired me to edit my standard OOO message (I'm out, will be only intermittently checking email, so sorry, etc.) to this:

subject line: really truly offline

Hello!

From Friday, May 28th, until Monday, June 7th, I'm really truly offline, out of the office and out of the house for some real time off the internet, off video calls, to spend time with real people out in the real world for the first time in way too long!

I'm not going to be obsessively checking email -- hopefully not checking it at all, obsessively or otherwise! I'll get back to you eventually though, and if you need me urgently you can send me a text - xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Be well and talk to you soon!

Best,

Shayna

I came back to so many lovely emails about my vacation! Fun! And caused many subsequent calls and meetings to begin with very fun reflections on my week and a half away, which extended that post-vacation glow.

All of this made easier by lots of planning and <ahem> work in advance of vacation so I wouldn't be leaving anyone in the lurch or surprising anyone I regularly work with, and I have the privilege and luck to mostly set and manage my own deadlines, but I still wouldn't have done it without the inspiration of your OOO thread. So... thanks!

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Mine look similar to the stock answers, but a few years ago I started writing "I won't be checking email at all" rather than "I may be slow to respond..." and not providing any other means of contact.

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Great piece, per usual! I am a whitewater river guide in places like Grand Canyon, where trips are 14+ days. There is no cell or internet service, and I relish it. My OOO is generally:

Hello,

Thank you for your email. I am away until [DATE]. I will respond after that date.

Please note, this is an automated message.

Have a great day,

[NAME]

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